I think she's worried about me, not because I'm sick, but because I'm lost. I think she's been where I am, and recognizes it as a place of suffering, which it is. She said she'd found some relief through Vipassana meditation, long retreats, travels, pilgrimages to places of wonder. Perhaps it's time for Mongolia. How long can I wait for the right frame to present itself. Whenever I try to explain my problem, my situation, my trouble in life, the inability to see things right, it seems like nothing, inconsequence, but it cannot be, it's too persistent.
Where did I meet Sarah? At Green Lake and later through Fremont Arts Council. She was looking for a boat for Luminata, to turn into a sculpture. I offered mine. I had a fiberglass over ply rowboat at the time. For two years, she turned my little pram into a lighted, floating swan and let it glide across Green Lake to mark the autumnal equinox. This year, Luminata happened on 19 September. I missed it. I missed everything this year.
Sarah is house-sitting right now, in a house I know, for a person I know. In fact, she's staying in the very house I brought my mother to when we first arrived from Pennsylvania in April. It was our first house-sitting job, the beginning of what became a very challenging and overly-eventful non-transition. I was both surprised and delighted to learn about this new connection and to be offered a healing session right here, in this house, this very same house, seems a cosmic righting of an overturned vessel. May be the first skin on this summer's trauma.
We started with the meal and ate a simple chicken stock and kale and vegetable soup with homemade oat scones and goat cheese. I offered Sarah a set of my 108 beads from February. After dinner, we washed the dishes and went into the living room. It was time for my reading. I knew Sarah did dream work from our discussions online, but I didn't know about her psychic abilities. She's been taking classes and is learning how to use and channel what she perhaps cannot filter out. Thankfully, I was able to control my coughing. I only had two cough drops left.
I sat on the couch. Sarah sat opposite in a chair. She asked me to ground myself. She said to keep my eyes open, she'd have hers closed. She would go into a trance, which really means entering into her own self. There, she would be be able to see me and my energy.
She looked at me, layer by layer. She began with my 1st layer or base or root chakra. She saw this as light pink, faded. Its paleness was concerning. She said it was shaped like a pole, a pink pole. After a while, she saw a dark spot there, just a little one, like a bat, or a half a bat, flitting about, spinning around the pole. She said it involved the fear of someone bipolar, but that it wasn't harmful. It was holding on though and attracted to me. I was providing it something to catch on and could release it or send it away when I wanted to, into the earth, give it some space, some place else to go. Like aversion, dismissing this would only make it stronger. I would do better to see it, address it, tell it I have some fears. Then I could fill that space out with a deep red ball. With work, she dissolved the bat into little flecks, but still those flecks encircled the pole. She brushed them away gently with her hands and moved on.
My 2nd layer and sacral chakra were shaped like an upward flute. My 3rd chakra was also pink. She saw a girl in a pink dress, on a tricycle, or was it a motorcycle, or a farmer's tractor? It was a changing image. It's as if I were looking for the right vehicle for my work. All through her reading, I recognized myself. There wasn't anything off base. I recognized the symbols and colors and dynamics in me. Sarah offered a beautiful and sweet view of my condition and situation. It gave me compassion for myself, made me want to care about my heart. This summer, I'd found a pink baby dress at a garage sale. I used it in my Yellowfish performance, "Tract," with my mother, at the Hedreen. Last January, I was invited to join a motorcycle rally across Mongolia, then was disinvited to go. I was heartbroken, but took a motorcycle class anyway, then found a cheap motorcycle so I could start learning to ride. Lately, I've been thinking about a work I once proposed for Vashon Island but was rejected for. It's called Haystack and would involve moving a haystack across the city by hand. These could be my vehicles. My goal, to realize my way back onto the path.
My 4th layer or heart chakra was a bluegreen orb with rings, like the planet Saturn. It was emitting positive energy in waves, but the orb itself was a hard, blueish shell with a little bird inside, struggling to get up over the lip, slipping and sliding down its sides. This layer is love for self and love for others. The hardness of the shape was concerning, but it was strong with rings like radar waves pulsing out.
My 5th layer or throat chakra, the center of communication, was shaped like a satellite dish. It was very strong, a deep golden yellow, an oval. She kept seeing images of vinyl records with various tracks and suggested maybe I needed to make some recordings.
My 6th layer, the third eye, the one that sees, the analytic center, the center of psychic abilities, was a golden bowl, but there was a dark spot there too. Pernicious. She asked me to fill the bowl with the sun or with a candle that grows into a sun. She said she'd bring some gold in there to heal it. She waved her hand inward towards her body.
There was so much detailed description. I cannot remember everything. Somewhere in there was fear. And ability. And a great deal of energy emanating from the throat, being drawn up from below and down from above. It made sense my heart needed protecting. All that openness was leaving it vulnerable.
This share was indeed a great gift of presence and of healing and I am so very, very grateful. Thank you.