When I placed my order at Red Mill, I gave the name "Wandering Cloud." It was nice to hear them call my order, "Wandering Cloud? Wandering Cloud?"
There is a Red Mill at the end of my street, at the end of the street on which I am staying. I have no street. I stay on other people's streets. It is 2 minutes by car and 15 minutes by foot to that Red Mill, but I cannot and do not go there for meals. I've asked several people to meet me there, to share a meal. No takers. Here now was the burger I'd been craving, in my hands. I took it in, visually and bodily, in large bites. I was glad my companion was hungry too.
I'd been putting this friend off. I'd been too busy all summer, with work and with my mother and looking for a place to live. I couldn't find the time to meet. Here I was now needing someone to share. I reached out and he was there. We met at the Red Mill on Phinney. I got there early and gobbled up some Thaddeus Golas, the author of The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment. When my friend, Scott, arrived we slipped into a booth.
I forget how it began, but I of course brought up Thaddeus Golas and he told me about his experience of work and life, about his desires and frustrations in life. And he looks at me and thinks I have something figured out. I have something on him. I am living without fear. Oh no no no.
To me, it sounds like we're experiencing some very similar things and feelings, but then what is a feeling--a reaction to a reality, a perspective of reality? We both, I think, have the feeling that something is wrong. In fact, we might even know exactly what is wrong. But are we willing to change it? Do we know how to change it? Do we know where to begin? Is this a total systems failure or a simple perspective ?
Why do we do nothing to change our lives when we know what it is wrong? It's easy to loathe ourselves when we can see the damage we are reeking and do nothing to affect a change. When we neither have the energy nor the skill to apply the lessons we feel you must be learning or know deep down we contain. Is this apathy? It is not apathy, though it affects me as if it were. And makes me self-hating. Or at least weakens my confidence. Is it fear? Yes, in large part, it is fear. Is it confusion? It is confusion, and more. And more.
There is a lack of energy and of understanding about the situation. In this case, I believe the knowledge of what we think we need is making us unhappy. If we didn't know what we needed, to be whole, or that we needed, to be whole, we might be happy (read content, at ease, calm, confident). But we're usually so wrong about what we need, or this is one way of putting ourselves down. If we cannot love ourselves as we are, we will never raise our vibration level or achieve a sense of peace.
So we are unhappy where we are. We see where we want to be, but are unable to make the changes necessary to move to that place, the great changes we believe this shift would require. Maybe we think it means quitting our job. Maybe we think it means traveling the world. Maybe we think it means giving away our belongings. Whatever it is, it's 180 degrees from where we are at present and requires that we give up our ideas about ourselves and the world, which is basically everything we know and love and that's huge because that is our safety. It sounds clear and simple when we read it in a book, but in our lives, it is either terrifying or paralyzing or exhilarating, depending on our willingness to move into that state.
There are valid excuses for staying where we are. If we give up our job, we won't be able to afford our rent. We will lose our lives and maybe our health, but then we may gain these. If we give up our apartment and live on our boat, we might be breaking the agreement we made with our cat who lives in our apartment, or we may be freeing our cat to live with someone who stays at home and gives our cat a better home. If our cat comes to live on our boat, he might pee inside the cabin and then our boat would become worthless, or he might use the litter box as usual and have a different but happy existence. Such silly traps we set. We cannot win. Applying Golas here, we can say, "We are equal. What you can achieve, I can achieve. You are vibrating high and I am vibrating low. I love myself for vibrating low. I love myself as I am, for being afraid to let go, for loving my cat, for not being ready to change."
It seemed to me that Thaddeus had something to say to Scott, as he had something to say to me. When you know what is wrong and cannot change it, that is where you start. Love yourself where you are, for not being courageous enough to make the leap. Instead of praising those around us, the courageous ones, we just love ourselves where we are. This, in itself, raises our vibration. We don't debase those around us, but see ourselves as equal. What they can do, we can do. It is our choice, at this time, or any time, to do it, or not to.
Inhale, exhale. No resistance.
nice.
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